ॐ

The following is written only so I don’t have to talk about my last month and hash it out endlessly to all the people I know.

Before I moved to Portland I was squatting, and I had lots of energy and time to make art, but not enough supplies. It was a happy time in lots of respects. Freedom to roam, to muse, and shout way past midnight. Yet as far as art goes, everything I worked with felt like it had to count, since I had next to nothing to play with. No room for experimentation or growth, it was suffocating.

It was time to try something else so I came out west. Portland, which was very successful for me in a number of ways, the compromise of wages took more than its fair share out of me. Even when I had money leftover, it was hardly enough for the glut of supplies I need, and I hardly had the time or energy for it at that point anyhow.

Looked back at the equation, shelter was still the biggest bill to deal with, it makes me waste the most time submitting to employment.

Meditating on my options, I thought that living simply in a cabin I had access to in Connecticut would be a good idea. I could work just enough for the essentials, and be able to focus on my art.

Work in this case meant doing a variety of things on the internet. I could spend less than typical part time hours and make enough to cover everything, with a surplus.

A sound idea I thought. Problems set in. There is no internet access at the cabin by any measure. The only option that worked was both too expensive and too lackluster in quality to make a difference. It took a while to get the power turned back on to even be able to figure that out. Beyond that, parts of the roof are rotting. Plans to insulate and fortify the structure for winter and against the insects were proving to be worthless. We even thought about demolishing it and building a new place, but a nice house without an internet connection is still unacceptable. Even if I could go offline, my fiancee has her own aspirations that require decent internet access.

So that got fucked up. I couldn’t set it up beforehand. I feel stupid anyhow.

The plan then became getting an small apartment two hours away from NYC. Near some good friends I missed. The reality of the equation set in. I wanted to vend art on the streets of NYC, but I didn’t actually have any on hand, and leaving my income that variable did not make me comfortable considering I have a responsibility to my fiancee to not be a total fuck up.

Maybe in time things could have worked out, after a long period spent perparing and hoping that just maybe I will get time to create art on my own terms, for what may be a breath longer than a brief moment, at some indeterminate point in the future. Fuck that.

It occured to me that the only option left is that I submit to another mechanism I have tried to avoid. Crippling debt.

I am coming back to Portland to go to school, to begrudgenly purchase time to make art, from the fucking man, in the form of college loans. In Portland it is easier to get by for a whole host of reasons. Anyone who is native to the east coast understands this implicitly. I would have liked to settle somewhere inexpensive on the Oregon coast rather than sheepishly return to PDX, but there are no schools over there. This reality is unfavorable and dissatisfying, but is the only choice left before giving up entirely.

At least I can say that I am coming back with more than I left with, and that I am willing to take chances with the course of my life for the sake of my craft.

I’m not going to stop searching for my oasis in this desert, from one mirage to the next.

Maybe I can make this Portland I’m coming back to different than the one I left from.

Just threw this down.

Anyways, I moved from Portland, OR to Connecticut.

Lots of plans and stuff to explain, but not now!

Just posting this to bump my RSS readers and let them know I changed my
site. Its very gallery oriented now.

I’m almost finished with a site for my man Arun, which I’m pumped about
since I love his art. He is the only guy who does visual art that I feel
like I have a kinship with in terms of style and execution.

Anyways, don’t you love this photo? Would you believe the sex on my shoulder
wasn’t planned? That’s just how it goes for meta-pimps like myself.

Its so nice out today. I’m on my way to work, and I’m feeling sick sick sick
that I’m not in the park making water colors with some friends at my side.
So it goes.

Photo by the ever loving 0vary.

mister meowly, what went on in your head?

My favorite parts of 2009, in sequential order:

Breaking up with amicably with someone who is great as I made plans to move to SF with a troupe of radical performance artist friends. This of course didn’t pan out and a breakup is a kind of a weird thing to put in this list, but the sentiment of adventure and a genuine sense understanding from the varied people in my life makes me happy. In a way this was the start of my remanifestation, as I struggled to know myself all over again. The support from all these people really made a difference.

The 48hrs I spent painting all night and running around town all day. Making friends meet up with me, talking to strangers, and flirting with Discordia’s favorite MILF. Drinking Hamm’s at twenty-something park in the spring. Holding chicks and looking at ducklings. Quality time spent alone, one-on-one, and in a crowd, all packed into one awesome punch. Creating art all along the way. That felt like it should be the rest of my life.

Riding my bike all over the place! [When it was nice out, I aint hardcore.]

My art show. No one bought any of the things I had for sale, but that was okay since nearly all the free stuff was cleared out. Once it gets off my hands and lives a life of its own, its really art. It was really awesome to expose myself like that and have the support and interest from my friends. People really seemed to like some of the stuff I have been hiding, and it was a really good boost to my esteem. It is a day I need to remember more often.

My moustache is a pretty important part of 2009, and I have to honor it by including a mention to it here.

Esozone and the Subgenius Devival was pretty damned fun. I don’t think I wrote about this on here, but I played a game where I refused to speak, but I would only answer people in twitter. I was able to hold out for a pretty long time, until it I came across the multitonal singing circle. Sadly I never caught up with the guys from that, I really would love to have more chances to bellow and throat sing with friends.

The work I did for The Parlour was great. I got more local exposure than ever before due to the poster work, and lots of people responded very positively to my work. I didn’t have that many experiences first hand regarding the work being out there, but I know that some of the right people saw what I was doing and stopped for a moment to see what I made. It meant squat as far as money goes, but it was fun to have that opportunity to have my work on the streets while it lasted.

I’m also going to include the fact that I found out you can buy Red Bull with foodstamps on this list.

Last but not least, I capped the year off by finding a very special young lady. It makes me feel good when I find the perfect person who brings out the best in me, challenges me to grow into myself, and is my partner in crime. I really wanted someone that I could picture making pictures with, and now I’ve got her. Style has always been one of the most important things to me, we compliment and aide one another. We both have a drive to actively explore our taboos and try things that are brand new and strange. Most of all, I feel like communication is open and easy. I feel pretty awesome about it. In a way the spell started with the first item on this list came to fruition.

2009 had some parts that stung, but nothing really different from most people out there in the world. I had my goals, and they weren’t met, but at least I inched a little closer and had some to begin with. Something I really need to work on is patience and optimism, so here I am giving it a shot. This post started out a bitch fest, but really I felt it was of the utmost importance that I remember the best parts of my time spent in the last year so I could use those threads to weave my path to the future.

Here’s to a fruitful and abundant 2010! Kiss kiss, darlings.

Not having time to post much lately beyond senseless faux vanity, but there
ya have it folks.

Maybe life will get awesome and I will be non-posty because I am busy making
art, maybe not.

So it goes.

Recently he made a pretty awesome post on his blog about a t-shirt design he was making for Dave, its a funny and insightful view into the painful world of being a creative for hire. Take a look.

Back in the day I used to come home from a long hard day at the porn store and Ryan would be up at 4AM reading and drawing comics, then we would go get some Rodeo Burgers at Burger King. How fondly I look back onto these simpler times.

Anyways, you should subscribe to his blog. His work has a really rich satisfying quality, and his personality shines through in all of it.

I really need to get on some ink brush work!

Thanks Ryan!

thrown together in a few minutes like a vector haiku

Lots of things are going on with me, internally and externally.

Overall depression has been harder than usual to kick, but now I feel a little reinvigorated, feeling like I found the others, for real this time.

Anyways, plan is currently to go back to school sometime for fine art, no matter the expense or irrationality of it.

Got my catharsis this morning.